Tipper's Trip Through Life - 1999
December 21, 1999
Well, I see I already missed a month, here it is, December, the edge of Y2K. Yeah, okay I don't know about anyone else, but I'm sick of hearing about it. I'm just ready to party now....but I can't help but reflect on this past year. I mean that's what this time of year is for. I've seen a lot of changes in myself and the people around me, or maybe it's because of the changes I've under went, that everyone else seems diferent. I'm looking at them though new eyes.... I still haven't gotten with the girl I like, I'm still working at the Club, I still live on my own, it feels like things have been this way since I could remember, but really they're all new things. A year ago my life wasn't like this, a year ago I can almost promise I was high on something either at a party, or on my way to or from a party, what a difference a year makes. I haven't been to a party since the begining of summer and I don't want to repeat the experiences I had there. For the first time in years, I feel confident in my self and what I'm doing. I haven't made it back to school yet, but I have a plan for that as well. I feel, well almost grown-up, it's kind of scary and exciting all at once. I miss the people I use to know that have since become strangers to me. Since we are on the brink of a new century let me now say good bye to all the people I never had the chance to, who knows, maybe someone will know one of them and let them know I'm still thinking about them every now and again. Tina Wilkinson, Tami Calloway (Tambeano), Barb "Baggy" Mueller, Danielle Speer, Andy and Lizzie, Jay from Oz, Getti, Michelle Vermontes, Andy Maxwell, Ms. McMurray (my 1st grade teacher), JJ Robbins, Lucky, Beth Zabroski-Patton, Casey Bass, Karen Minkalis, Natalie Nix, JD from Windego, Willy and Flipper from England, Kelly Throw, Christy Sutton, Jesse Hanes, Chad Parsons, Gen (Stud puppy), Meredith (My straight girlfriend that I NEVER slept with), Kelly Hussler, Kathy Edwards, Alicia Murray, Jeanette Bostic, Jim Bussa, Kelly Sutton, Josh Daniels, and Happy.. These are all people I've been close to at some point in my life that just disappeared, we either out grew each other, or moved or life happened, I just hope all of them are safe and happy and I wish them a Happy New Year, even though I haven't talked to some of them in over ten years, every now and again they pop into my head and I have to say I miss them. I wish all of you a happy new year, and please be safe...That's it for me this century, see you all next time around...
October 27, 1999
Okay I just updated this two days ago, but I have to get something out of my system, see I think I really messed up something before I even gave it a chance. I found this great girl again that I had met a couple years ago and have had a crush on for quite sometime, but I fear I may have ruined it by pushing the issue with her, which is really not like me, but something about her just drives me nuts, you know? And I really hope I didn't blow it because that would really suck. I've realized that I can be too intense at times and that's not all that good. Now I don't know what to do, except give her space, right? So why does she have this affect on me? MAybe it's because I feel at ease around her, thast I can say anything I want and not get laughed at, maybe it's because she's SO sexy...I don't know, but I do know if I don't chill out I'm going to blow it for sure....that is if I haven't already.
End of October 1999
Well, it's already been a month since I last updated, actually a month and three days. I saw Ani DiFranco this past Saturday, Woo Woo!! I got away from my stalker, (Remember kids to choose wisely with who you date, because one day you'll probably end up breaking up, then you really find out about who you've been dating.). I ran into some friends I haven't seen in a year and a half and I rediscovered a crush I thought long gone. All in all an interesting weekend. I had so much fun in fact that I decided to take another day, so I didn't go to work on Monday, instead I stayed in bed all day with this cutie I've been crushing on (FYI to all you people with your minds in the gutter: NOTHING HAPPENED) I ended up staying there until late Monday, oh did I mention I didn't call in to work? No worries, I still had a job to come back to. Can I just say that if you're a female and you have a male boss, the excuse: Female problems, works really good. And when I think about it I didn't really lie, I mean I had the whole stalker/crush problems to deal with.
So I'm talking to Matt again, it's not how it used to be, I don't think it ever will be, but I know we both still care about each other and inspite of everything that happened, we're still friends. Speaking of friends, I'm still in the middle of social house cleaning. I realized that the quality of people I was hanging out with, well, they were kind of lacking in moral fiber. The thing that finally made me realize this was when the only girls I seemed to find where all recovering junkies, or not so recovered junkies. I decided that I kind of wanted to get away and unfortunately most of my friends weren't ready to move on with me, so we parted ways, I took a different fork in the road then them. WHo knows, maybe our paths will meet up again someday...
Okay, talking about paths meeting up and such, let me just ponder this with you all. I don't believe in coincidence, no such thing. Okay so I met these really cool girls, like at least two years ago, one of them I had (have?) a crush on. They live about an hour from me, so it's not like we'd ever run into each other at the store or anything, but I've run into them at the craziest places, places that are so packed with people I can barely find the people I came with like concerts, Raves...it's crazy, but I don't want to get all weird about it, but it does seem like there's a reason I'm supposed to know them, but that's getting just a bit too deep, even for me. I think I'm going to have to stop pondering over this and just go with it, you know?
So I'm moving out of la casa mom and dad and moving into my own house this week. I hope it'll be all good, rents a bit much, but that's the price of freedom, I guess. I just didn't think it'd be that much. I'm thinking about moving up to Milwaukee in a year or so, it's cheaper up there and I like their clubs better then the ones around here. I think I like the fact that there isn't as much traffic in Milwaukee then in Chicago, but I haven't ruled out moving to Arizona yet, I just know that I don't want to live in IL anymore, even the name is bad ILL-Annoy.
My mind is going to fast for me to type it all down. I hate the fact that the person you're thinking about very probably isn't thinking about you. But then again I'm sure there's people who think about me but I don't know so I don't think about them. So I inflict the same cruelty on other people tha gets inflicted onto me without even realizing it. When I think about it, I guess most of us don't realize how important we are to other people. I found out once that a this guy I hardly ever talked to or hung out with considered me one of his best friends, just because we connected whenever we were together, yet to me, he was just a guy I knew. Because I didn't realize how important I was to him I inadvertantly ended up hurting his feelings. Now I make sure that I let the important people in my life know that they're important. Okay, I've rambled on for another months worth of thoughts, see you next month.
April 30, 1999
Okay, reading back on my last entry I realize what a difference a few months make. Okay, first off, 6 Degrees decided to suspend all activities due to the fact that most of the people involved originally are pretty heavy into drugs. My purpose was never to promote drugs or the "druggie" lifestyle, it's funny, you really do become what you hate. I don't care if people do drugs, unto each their own, but when they go from recreational use to "users" there's a problem and personally I didn't want to stick around for the tragic ending that always happens in situations like this. I feel bad because I remember how it was just 6 months ago, we all had the same vision, I thought, but really we didn't, too many people were in it for themselves, which is ironic because that's how parties have gotten to be and that was the whole reason we started 6 Degrees. Can you hear my sign of frustration? Life really does go full circle, with a twist added here and there for variety. I know I sound bitter, but honestly I'm not, life is good. I've realized that I'm actually a pretty cute girl, not drop dead or anything remote to that but I don't need to put a bag over my head either when I go out in public. I let Kris and Kelly start to doubt myself, which was one of the worst things I could ever had done, but no more. I'm the DJ at a club in Kenosha, WIs. on Friday and Saturday nights, I kind of feel like I'm whoring myself out, just for the simple fact that I have to play cheesy music, but if anything it's made me a better DJ, because I don't know the music as well. I actually have to pay more attention. Besides, I'm learning more every day.
As for my love life it's crazy, I have a girlfriend that doesn't go away, so actually she's an ex who doesn't want to admitt she's an ex, but besides her, it's pretty boring right now. I mean I get hit on at the club all the time, but I think getting picked up at work is kind of...tacky. I moved out of my apartment that I was sharing with a friend because I realized that I can't handle partying 24/7 anymore and there was more drugs come in and out of that place then a 24 hour Walgreens in the middle of cold season. I guess, finally after 23 years I'm begining to grow up a bit, but not to worry, I'm still pretty much a big kid, just a kid with a better idea of what's for me and what's not. Okay, well that's it for now. See you all next time I decide to update, I'm trying for at least once a month, so we'll see.
It's becoming an obsession, I need to stop worrying about it but I can't help it. Will I ever find that one person? That one girl who is out there waiting for me? Is there even anyone waiting for me?
I've begun to start questioning myself, my looks my attitude, my clothes, everything. I ask myself repeatedly, "What's wrong with me that other people don't find me attractive?"
I'd date me, I'm funny, cute, sweet, romantic, faithful, I know how to have fun, I try to cheer people up, I'm a good friend, so what's the problem? It can't be ever lesbian I know so it has to be me some way, only I don't know what it is. What is it that keeps every girl I like away from me? Is it because I'm too fat
? Maybe it's my inability to approach a woman I find good looking and introduce myself, I always have this thought in the back of my mind that they're thinking 'Oh, great, what does this fat dyke want?' or 'Just what I need another scary dyke hitting on me.' Even if I want to talk to a girl I find it hard because they always think you're trying to pick them up. Is it so hard?
My ideal girl doesn't exist, I know I've looked long enough, she's like Leisha Hailey in All Over Me, with a bit on Guin Turner's character from Go Fish. I'm atttracted to cute girls, no all out butches or femmes, but the girls that are in the middle, I want a girlfriend who looks just as good in leather as in a dress, who's comfortable in going to the store wearing jeans and sweats. Of course she'll be fun, lively, witty, sweet and a hopeless romantic at heart.
Okay, maybe she does exist, but not in my world, if She does, she's probably already in a serious relationship with a girl she's very much in love with. Such is my luck.
What I've been up too....
Okay, so it's been awhile since I actually updated these pages okay so here's a list on things I've really been into lately...
1. Ani DiFranco..... of course (I have the Righteous Babe Logo Tatooed on my ankle)
2. Leisha Hailey.....Oh yeah...k.d. is one lucky woman
3. All Over Me....See obsession #2
4. Lilith Fair....(Lesapalooza)
5. Go Fish....(Gwen Turner, cute little tomboy, WOW)
6. Sleater-Kinney.....I wanna be your Joey Ramone
7. Author Melissa Scott...Excellent Author of lesbian scifi
8. Corporate Dykes....oh my God, I never knew going to work could be so fun
9. PARTIES....6 DEGREES.....SPINNING........I many be old enough to go to the bar now, but I'd rather be Ravin' with my crew, 6 Degrees
10. The cute barback at the Girlbar in Chicago....Lisa....if only.....
What I've been up to this past year...
Okay, were to start, I got my own apartment, a car and a couple jobs, I dated a psycho for awhile and I've partied a bit too much.
Kris and I are still friends, just not as good as we used to be, we hang on for some weird reason, I don't know why because all we do is fight (some things never do change) She refuses to agree that she could be intersted in me for more then friendship, my life is deplorable to her. Whatever, I'm having fun and as far as I know that's the true meaning of life. I mean, honestly, why do so many people thing we're here to work our lifes away and not for fun, life is not meant to be taken seriously, if it was why would we have a concept of "fun and enjoyable?".
Anyways, I degress, my apartment was the scene for some pretty wild times. Right before I moved out my girl Fqaye and my boy Matt threw me a moving out party complete with some very coll DJ's from Chicago, Markus Watkins, Edmond312, And some other really cool guys. We had the place packed nad we partied until 6am and the best part was the cops were never called and believe me when I say we had that place pumpin', You could hear the music down the block. It was one of those rare nights when everything seems to go together without and flaws. Well there was one little flaw, Kelly my ex was there, but she left after awhile. One of the best parts about the whole night was that my friends packed up almost all my stuff, so I didn't have too!! Bonus.
Now that I'm moved out, I really miss having my own place, but I was paying way too much, so I didn't want to stuck with another year lease there. I want to move to Chicago, I almost got my boy Matt to agree, at first we wanted to move to New Orleans, but we kind of got talked out of that for a little while, but I said if I have to stay here another year, I want to live in the city. Okay my love life was been interesting to say the least, no fireworks, a few bombs. The major relationship I had was Kelly and that was anything but healthy. It was one of this relationship that start off way too intense, till it finally implodes. I was a little slow in wanting to end it, even after I knew there was no way it could work out. I kept thing I could do something to make it how it was in the begining, but you get to this point when you're with someone that too much has been done and said to ever make it like it was. Let me say that I wasn't an angel, but she was just cruel. Enter Faye, this adorable little reformed Kandy Kid, wow....One minutes she bi, the next she's straight....whatever she's into , it's certainly wasn't me.....but we're friends, so that's good, right?
And the most important thing going on in my world right now is.....6 Degrees........
What is 6 degrees? It's not a hip hop band or anything like that, it's a promotions and productions crew started by me and a couple friends, our purpose is to bring back the old vibe that use to dominate the Rave Culture, PLUR is not dead nad we want to prove that but providing great parties at a low, affordable cost.
So far we've gotten a bit organized and are vending at parties to earn enough money to throw a party ourselves.
Board of Directors
1. Monica - Event Co-ordinator
2. Matt - Design Co-ordinator
3. Nate - Vending and Merchandising
4. Lil Nate - Public Relations
5. Faye - Director at Large
Ginger, Kenny, Nick, Venessa, Dolly, Nate3, Red, SuzyQ and Taco Bell Boy
There a few other people who show up for a meeting or two, but that the core of us.
So that's what I've been up to since I last updated this page.....Until next time, be good, but not TOO good.....