May 28, 2004
All day I have been trying to get myself to pack up the bedroom of all our memories. The care bears, the wine glasses from when we went to the adventure inn for our anniversary, that stupid wooden teddy bear thing I made you for another anniversary (I really need to stay away from arts and crafts), the Lucy Bear I got you for Christmas, you know those things that showed we had a life together. Everything I touch brings up those memories of the time we spent with each other. Looking back, it wasn't so bad, just the end was the worse. Like the old saying goes, All good things must come to an end, including us. We really did fight about some stupid stuff, huh... In the grand scheme of things we aren't the first couple who promised the world to each other only to have it crash down around us. I could sit here and list everything I think went wrong, but that doesn't matter, not really, because the only thing that does matter is that our time has come to an end. Don't think me bitter, I'm not. I'm not dumb, I realize that even if two people think they are the ones for each other, it doesn't always work out. I do think your timing sucks though. One year to the day you asked me to marry you, that was the harshest but I know you didn't plan it that way. I'm sorry for the things I did out of desparation to keep us together. And I thank you for all you have done for me. The past is the past and as for the future, I have no clue, none what so ever. For the first time for as long as I can remember I am going forward with no plan, expectations or ideas. Tomorrow is a blank page with no rough draft to go on. I'm not ready to be just your friend, I don't know if I ever will be. Just remember that I will always love you and you will always hold a very special place in my heart.
April 16, 2004
Do you ever get that feeling that something has to happen? That things are just not going right or are getting to be to routine? I have found that even in chaos there is routine. I really wish some one would just do something to surprise me, shock me, make me say "Wow, I would have never expected that." But in a good way, not the terrible anxiety attacking way that has been happening. I really need something good to happen, something I could have never anticipated. I really need something to believe in the goodness of the world. That being there for someone is not just a waste of time and love really does matter. That being a good person does not make you a chump or a doormat. That being there for someone through it all really does mean something to them. I'm so sick of words, I need action, I need something GOOD to happen.
April 12, 2004
I was going to tell you the story of Punkilicious and I, but I'm feeling really bitter, so I'll breeze past the first ten months which were great, we were in love, life was peachy, we had a few little bumps, bought a home together, I went and got a real, 9 to 5 type job, one that gave us both benefits because they give domestic partner benefits. I thought we would be together forever, but then again, doesn't everyone when they're in love? Yeah so I'll breeze past them and get straight to the end.
So in late December this name comes up a lot, I'll call him ButtFace Boy, or BFB for short. So all of a sudden my loving girlfriend who would freak if I wanted to go out with my friends, is wanting to go out with her new friends, that she met through her job at the mall, all the time. Like she always has a reason why she's coming home late and doesn't want me to know her friends, so yeah red flag goes up. Turns out there wasn't any friends really, just her and BFB dating, cause she told everyone she lived with a roommate and we had broken up months before, um, that was news to me. I found out she lied about a lot. Oh did I mention she asked me to marry her in May? Yeah she did. So, she's out with BFB, lying about me and I'm powerless to do anything, I can't kick her out of OUR home and I'm still in love with her. I beleived that this was just a medium bump that could be fixed... I was so wrong and looking back now, I so should have cut bait and ran as fast and as far from her as I could, instead what happened was as I was at work, working for us, she was bring him to our home, staying out with him, not really trying to hide it anymore. Finally in the second week of Feb. she stayed gone for a week and then comes home to tell me she's moving out. Mind you she is still lyign to me this whole time, there's nothing between her and BFB, that they're just friends, she's getting an apartment with other friends, blah blah blah, all lies, all total and complete lies. So I was crushed, I spent the first 3 months of this year in a deep depression. Yeah, me, caught up by some little lying, cheating girl who wants to act like that. We still had sex on and off it was weird cause she was cheating on him with me, ironic much? So, in the begining of March she starts telling me she is in love with me and she made a big mistake and wants to make it up to me, but really she's still living with him. Then she tells me they broke up, but she wants space and doesn't want to move back in with me.... Am I really that dumb? I guess I am because I still kept talking to her, I kept believing she loved me, was in love with me.
It all came to ahead when I was pushing her to move back in and she was over at my place, which use to be our place, and BFB's brother drove over and saw her car here. He told BFB, who kicked her out. But she told me she came back on her own, that she left him adn was home for good that was last Wednesday. We went out she told all my friends she made a mistake and she was going to make it up to me, well guess what? Sunday morning, she goes to BFB's parents house, where he was and begs him to take her back, she's crying and everything, so of course he does. Now she has a problem, how can she still string me along, but stay with him at the same time? She lies to me and expects me to swallow yet another whopper!!! Can I just say that I had tried breaking up with her last week and both times, thought there was no tears (guess I don't rate tears like BFB does) she asked me to please give her a few days and she wanted to go to couples counseling.
I would just like to say that before all of this, I was depressed, but I was getting over it and I was starting to move on and as soon as I started moving on, she started with the I love you, I want to be with you crap. I should have known, she doesn't want me, but she doesn't want me to be with anyone else either. She doesn't know what loves is because if she did, she could have never done this to me, she could have never promised me the world knowing full well she had no intention of making good on her promises. It hurts but this time I am done for good, I can no longer allow her to treat me like this for almost 4 months I have been her door mat and she's had her fun with me, she has taken a love that was pure and turned it into disgust, disgust with her, disgust with myself and disgust with the whole situation. Thank you, Punkilicious, for reminding me what a cruel, harsh world this really is, don't worry, I won't forget the lessons you have taught me, I will never trust so completely and so honestly ever again.
April 1, 2004
Almost exactly 2 years since my last update. Back by popular demand, an update on my life in the last two years and wow, what a difference time makes. Okay so where to start? Um, I guess since the last update alot has happened. I did end up finding a really awesome apartment and I was living the high life for awhile. Spinning every weekend, chicks, drugs, you name I was there. I was the IT girl for about a year, never had to worry about money, life was sailing by in a haze of fun fun fun. I had a new girl every weekend and I was being majorly slutty. Then in the first week of January 2003, I met her. I met Punkilicious.
I had started a chatroom on WinMX and thats where I met her. Yes, me of all people, I use to laugh at people who said they had met someone online, I also use to laugh at love. Little did I know the joke was on me.... We chatted all the time online then on Feb. 19th she broke up with her online gf and asked me out hours later, I was so nervous. I know those of you who know me are laughing. I never get nervous about a chick, never. There was something about this girl, something that just grabbed me and wouldn't let go. In less then a month she was on a plane on her way to me.
TO BE CONTINUED
April 15, 2002
Okay, so I've been lack on the updates, sorry. What's new with me? Well my lease is up at the end of the month, I'm looking for a house right now. With my turntables and drums I'm not very apartment friendly. I have a new job, I can't really discuss it, but if you want to make $5,000.00, email me.
I've been spinning down in the city a lot and sleeping with a lot of random chicks, I have given up on the idea of love and instead I'm settling for the idea of a good time. Honestly, I won't complain, sex is all good but I still feel a little empty inside after the fact, like something is missing, but I think thats just because we've been conditioned to think about sex in such a way that if we aren't in a relationsahip we feel guilty for doing it. I'm not sure because I do have a good time, but it's all physical and afterwards I can't get otu of there fast enough or get them out of my house fast enough...Why? I don't think love is real, at least not in the way Holloywood and such portray it.
Living with a straight couple has been in intersting experience, one that I'm not ready to repeat anytime soon. As far as the whole love life goes, I've had quite a few experiences, but besides Kelly I haven't fallen on love, well unless you count Kristen, with was unrequited and I don't really think I was ever in love with Kelly so much as I cared a great deal about her. I guess since I'm a bit drunk I can't really think of much to say. Maybe when I can, I will. I would love to tell you about the experience I've had at work, but unfortunatly, I can't.
March 8, 2002
Well, it's been a long time since I last updated my journal, but it has to be done. Since I last updated I moved to a different state, I'm still the same little 'ol me, wandering through life, trying to find my way with the least amount of pain possible. I've been bumming around this great country of ours, but really ever place is pretty much the same. I did realize that it's cool to be by myself, I don't need a girlfriend to validate me as a person, which is common sense to most, but a great shock to me. Um, for those who care, I do still talk to Kelly, we seem to be able to actually have some sort of friendship. I'm currently unemployed and happy, actually I left my job in October and haven't looked back. I decided that corporate America was draining my soul. I found myself getting caught up in the rat race and stress of it all and finally said screw this. So now I'm chasing after my dreams of DJ stardom. So all in all, life is good and for once I'm not bitching about a girl. I live in a beautiful apartment, I'm surrounded by people I love and trust, yet again I say, life is good. Well, it would be perfect if Willow and Tara get back together.
July 30, 2001
Iíve never pretended to know the reason why things happen the way they do. I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out why things are as they are but Iíve never come up with a logical explanation. Iím looking for some common thread, some grand scheme. Iíve finally come to the conclusion, things donít have to have a reason, they just are. I thought that if I could figure out why people do the things they do, why fate seems to operate in such a random, yet orderly way, then maybe Iíd have control over ever aspect of my life. For once, this isnít a rant about how some girl ďdid me wrongĒ. Actually some girl finally did me right, (I meant the innuendo implied). It didnít last long, but we are becoming good friends. I know in the past Iíve ranted and raved about how girls always just seem to want to be my friend or just have sex, but actually the fact that they speak to me at all is a pretty good sign Iím on the right track, Iím just not quite there yet.
Iíve been thinking about free will and fate, one of lifeís greatest philosophical debates. Reincarnation seems like such a cool idea, itís the only one that logically makes sense to me. Iím sure everybodyís met someone that they just felt an immediate connection to, someone who you just seem so in tune with. Science says itís chemical reaction to anotherís chemical composition, but thatís such a dry explanation, it doesnít take the emotional aspect of it into consideration. Reincarnation would also help explain the trend I see developing in my life. Karma really can be a bitch; I think I must have been a heart breaker in my last life. A psychic once told me I was regressed soul. Iím not exactly sure what all the means, but it didnít sound good. Iím sure if Iíd slipped her another $20 she would have elaborated but I got the gist of it.
Everything in life comes down timing. If I hadnít ask for a light I probably wouldnít have met Pin-Up Girl. If we had just decided not to go out last Saturday she probably wouldnít have met the girl that puts a perma-grin on her face. I wouldnít had to come to the harsh realization that sometimes no matter how badly you want something, you canít always have it. (At least not so soon). If I hadnít run into Chad at school one day I probably wouldnít have joined Spectrum, I wouldnít have met Kelly. Itís crazy when you think about the way chance just plays with us.
It takes such a simple thing; one different decision, a minute off and your whole life could have been so different. Or could it? Are we supposed to meet the people we do because of some grand scheme, because we share a past? I wouldnít be the person Iím becoming, I am, if it werenít for the people who in one way or another have touch my life, but thatís a common truth for everyone. I think Iím finally becoming more aware of the world around me. Iíve been pretty self-centered. Iím just starting to recognize the connections we build with other people. There are some people who you miss when theyíre not around, others you really donít notice. Then there are the people who youíve know forever it seems, but really itís only been a short time, but you try to remember before they were there and you canít. Iím thinking about the people in my life in terms of taking a walk, a very well used analogy for life. Some people walk along the same path with you for awhile, but eventually your paths split, maybe youíve taken a few turns together, but eventually your journey together has come to an end, thatís not necessarily a bad thing, who knows maybe weíll meet again. Then you have the people who just cross your path for that moment, and some of those people can have the most profound affect on your life.
Right now Iím at the cross roads, less then a month to my 25th birthday. I have to make some decisions, musicÖbusinessÖmusicÖbusiness. I know itís long over due for me to become a little more serious about my life. I donít want to be one of those people who at 40 look around and wonder how their life turned out this way. I want to have at least some awareness of what went on, where Iíve been, how Iíve gotten to be in the place I am. I want what everyone else wants, basically. I havenít been able to want a big house and expensive cars, I want to taste life, not work my way though it, which could be a sign of my immaturity, or maybe I just think outside of societies box. It doesnít really matter why, thatís what Iíve learned from Pin-Up Girl, the who, what, where, why, when doesnít matter so much as the ďit just isĒ
January 23, 2001
Alright, I'm already a month behind, though not much happened in December. Christmas pretty much sucked. The only people happy to see me where my nieces and nephew, but my nephew worships the ground I walk (really I'm not just saying that). I left early and went home to hang out with the people I really wanted to spend the holiday with, my friends. Well, I have to mention that I did move, BIG MISTAKE. I should have learned, when someone says they're going to look for another place to live, but you can move in right away, they'll only be there for a couple weeks THEY ARE LYING!!! My so called landlord is realy my roommate who eats my food, uses my shampoo and conditioner. He buys NO food, none, but in the middle of the night he sneaks into the fridge and eats anything and everything. I am so not imbelishing this one. And I don't mean he takes a little here and there, I mean the done cleans out the fridge in one night what would take a normal person a least a week to eat. HE ATE A WHOLE JAR OF PEANUT BUTTER IN ONE NIGHT, WITH HIS BARE HANDS!!!! There was peanut butter figure prints everywhere the next morning. THis guy owns at least three different pizza joints and he has to eat my food!!!! Unbelievable. So I'm moving to St. Paul, no really I am, right after the tax season is over I'm gone. I have a place to stay, I'll have no problem finding a job, I have it all worked out. Nothingcan change my mind at this point. Live is gettung pretty ho-hum around here. Same people, same places, same conversations, it's sick, My friends and I don't even pretend like there's any other option for Friday nights, we just all meet at the bar. It's like that movie Ground Hogs Day.... But enough ranting about that, when I can rant about who else but Kelly.....
Okay, it's the day before the Ani concert and who should show up on y doorstep? Come on, guess, that's right Kelly!!! She wanted to go to the concert with me. (Turns out Chawrong and her got into a fight and Chawrong hit her in the head so she got in her car and drove to Chicago to see me.) So I only had 2 tickets and I was taking Amanda, we had the whole weekend planned, a room at the Ramada in Milwaukee, club hoppin, it was going to be a great weekend, then Kelly showed up. No warning, ot even a call the day before to see if I still had her ticket, nothing until she calls me 20 minutes away from my house. Typical Kelly move. So I tell her I don't have a ticket for her and she goes, well then go buy me one!!! WHAT!?!? Does anyone else see the problem with that? Oh and let me mention she had a lot of money on her, it wasn't as if she came down broke, no my freinds, she was quite loaded, a lot more so then I. So when I told her I wasn't going to buy her a ticket she got pissed. I had already bought 2, it wasn't like she had called me a week before nad told me she was coming, Amanda and I had already planned this out, as far as I was concerned she was the one intruding, not Amanda, as she later implied. So we went out the night before the show and all we did was fight, it was horrible, that was not part of my fun, fun, fun weekend, quite the contrary in fact. Anyways, we go back to my house after a night out and we fight some more, so I went and slept in another room, got cold and went back to my bed, where I didn't get much sleep due to the fact that I spent most of the night trying to stay as far from Kelly as possible. We wake up in the morning and we actually got along pretty well, I was surprised. Then we had to leave to pick up Amanda and head up to Milwaukee so we could check in and all that good stuff. So we were running a bit late and Kelly still hadn't gotten herself a ticket, so we stopped by the local Dominick that had a ticketmaster. She lloks at me and goes, aren't you getting my ticket. Um, hello, I had already told her no. She got out of the car and bitched, but, hey, I didn't buy her damn ticket. So she was pissy with me to say the least, it was a long drive to Milwaukee, but we finally get there, check in to our room and she's just giving me these evil looks and making me feel like a total jerk, because I wouldn't buy her a ticket. So we start fighting and I told her that the only reason she showed up at my house was so I could pay for her to see Ani, it had nothing to do with me, she was only doing it to make Chawrong jealous, screw that, I didn't want to be a part of her little game. So I went down to the hotel bar and had a few drinks to calm down, then I went back upstairs and she started in on me again, Finally Amanda poked her head out of the bathroom (where she was getting ready) and told us both to shut up. I was so pissed, not at Amanda, but at Kelly. She was being such a bitch, just because this was the first time I didn't do exactly what she wanted and she couldn't get me to do it. Finally though it was time to leave for the concert.
We get to the Eagles Ballroom and almost as soon as we get through the door I get separated from Kelly and Amanda and I couldn't find them the rest of the night. But I did run into my friends from Milwaukee and spent the show with them, it was a good time. I met so many people and got so many email addresses, I love crowds at Ani shows. After the show we were walking down the stairs to get out I saw Kelly and CHAWRONG standing on the landing talking to each other. It didn't even phase me! I realized at that point that the whole Kelly saga was really over for me, it was definately and feeling of relief and freedom. As I went down the last set of stairs I saw Amanda waiting at the foot of them for me. She grabbed me and asked if I had seen Kelly, I told her yeah, but I wasn't about to stand around and wait for her, they were kicking us out and it was COLD outside. Amanda and I ended up going to this hotel party and when we finally made it back to our room it was really late. We walked in and ll of Kelly's stuff was gone. Which was a relief for me, the funny thing is, Charong and her had to drive all the way back to my house to get Kelly's car, then turn around and drive all the way back to Green Bay, okay, maybe I'm a bitch, but I thought it was funny.
November 10, 2000
Here it is, yet another entry that has to make mention of Kelly...and moving, something I do quite frequently I've found. It's been an eventful kinda fall for me. Like I already said, I'm moving into a new house this weekend, it's a lot bigger and slightly cheaper. It's been 8 almost 9 years since I left my parents house for good, well besides the couple months here and there they let me stay about once a year. It still never ceases to amaze me all the crap one can aquire in a year. Everytime I move I get a little further away from my family, but at this rate I'll be 60 before I move out of state. My friend Mark and I were talking about it and I definately want to be in either Cali or NY by the year 2002. I like my job, but I don't feel passionate for my job like I do when I spin. I know I'm good enough to spin at any club out here but we're a bit behind, I want to be were it's actually happening and both coast are it. So that's the plan I'm working towards. Besides I should be done with school by then. I can't think of a witty transition to place here to go from talking about school to Kelly, so just pretend I had a witty transitional phrase, okay? I'm going on my yearly pilgrimage to see Ani DiFranco in Milwaukee next weekend. Kelly was suppose to meet up with me because on Monday she told me she moved away from Chawrong. Well by Wednesday she was back with Chawrong, so I don't think we'll be going to Ani together. I'm not bitter, I'm not even surprised anymore. What more can I do? Exactly, nothing else short of kidnapping Kelly, which would be hard cause she could take me. I just don't want to know anymore, as bad as that sounds and I know it sounds so bad, but it drives me crazy. I can't do anything about the situation. Kelly won't leave Chawrong and Chawrong won't stop beating Kelly. I think she only tells me because she knows it's killing me not being able to do anything about it. I hate feeling helpless. This is really starting to get to me, I know I've said it before, but I can't deal with Kelly when she's dealing with Chawrong. Does that make me an insensitive bitch? Maybe, but actually it's just because I'm overly sensitive when it comes to Kell. She deserves so much better then what she's getting, what she's letting herself settle for. But I'm not the one who she's inlove with anymore, so my opinion doesn't really count for much. Remember, I'm really not bitter.
In other news this month, my new car is still nameless, as is the president elect. So who did you vote for? Did you vote? I bet there's a few hundred democrats in Florida feeling really stupid right now. This election has proved that one or 229 (at last count) votes does count. I'm not sure how much life will change for me if Bush is in the office, but I would feel a lot better if it was Gore. To me, the President is not my moral meter, he's the guy who makes sure everything runs smooth in my country. Politics isn't about morals, it's about getting the job done, kinda like the mob.
June 22, 2000
I don't want to be all dramatic, but I just found out that I never really knew someone I considered close. She lied to me about a lot of things a couple years ago, I know that was then; this is now, but how can I trust her? Oh and the crazy thing is she doesn't know that I found out that she's been lying. Basically she lied about her whole life, I guess I never really knew her after all. It really is sad.....
Yesterday was the first day of summer, yippee. Eye Candy still hasn't talked to me and I'm still single but I'm okay with that, I like the fact that I can do what I want, when I want and not have to worry about having to check in with someone all the time. Though I would give up the single life for a few select girls: Karen Dywer (from Better then Chocolate, Leisha Hailey, Claire Danes, Faith (from Buffy), oh and of course Ani DiFranco.
I found out a little something about myself the other night. This is the year of the Dragon, I was born in the year of the Dragon, so this is suppose to be my year, it's already half over and I haven't noticed a dramtic change, but then again maybe I just haven't been paying attention.
I was in a car accident last weekend, some guy slammed into the car behind me and sent them flying into me, poor PLURbert, he's pretty banged up and he's not running so good, I'm gonna have to get another car, I'm mostupset about this, you know? I know my car's a piece of crap, but I totally love that car, it's lasted so much longer then anyone ever thought it would, but it is an '86 Ford Escort, so the fact that PLURbert made it into the new century, well that amazing. Pride is this weekend, so everyone have fun and be safe. Pride Weekend is like a big gay Xmas to me, I love this time of year. See ya next time.
"Well I tried so hard to get them to like me and notice me, so I guess I should enjoy the fruits of my labor, but now that I've taken off my rose tinted glasses I realize that they're not as great as I thought.." Okay, maybe a bit heartless, but true, well not every girl, which brings me back to Kelly... I'll be the first to admitt she was the first girl I really did love unconditionally, and she really used that against me, which contributed to the complex I'm trying so hard to shake. I'm afriad that if I don't get what I want right away I'll never have it. (I know I'm not explaining it right, but I know what I mean). I was having one of those deep soul searching nights with myself and a bottle of Lime Vodka last weekend. I kind of had to, life was getting to be a bit much, so my whole new take is simplify, not to tell everyone everything going on in my head and to cut out the B.S. in my life. It all started with a girl, she was total Eye Candy, (what else, right?). I liked this girl, we could talk for hours, she totally blew me away. We went out a few times, she stayed at my house a few nights, but I didn't want to just sleep with her, you know? There's girls you just sleep with and that's that and then there's the girls you really want to get to know because you think that they're special, I thought she was...special. Long story short, I told her how I felt and why I wouldn't just sleep with her, I thought she knew...she didn't, or didn't care. Things ended up happening and physically it was good, but mentally it sucked, we were init for two totally different reasons. I got confuse, I got scared, she got mad, I acted like a little kid, she stopped talking to me. She said she needed time, okay that's cool, understandable, but how much time is needed? I saw her a week later at a club, she danced infront of my friends and I, she danced with one of my friends, she treated me like I was just something to put up with, but barely. Whatever, it hurt, but only because I let it. I feel bad for the way things happened because I think she is special and I think I could have learned a lot from her and who knows, maybe I still can, it all depends on how much time, time is. So that's what lead me to do some serious soul searching on a Friday night with a bottle of Lime Vodka, I was thinking about the person I am and the person I want to be, oh and Eye Candy, I thought a lot about Eye Candy.